babies were throwing up all over the place
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
