my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize