I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize