Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
