just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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