Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
