I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
