wrigley field is MILF paradise
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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