I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
