you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
