Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
