the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize