does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize