remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
