Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
two words...techno handjob
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
