We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
