I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
