dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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