best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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