If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
