dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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