I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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