Im at strip club and am horny
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
