i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
