i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
