Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
