so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
