I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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