just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
