he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
