how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
