ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
