genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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