Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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