If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
