I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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