I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
