Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
