twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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