My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
