my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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