I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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