i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
