how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
