just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
