you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
