You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish my penis had a tongue
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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