I just made out with a guy for $7.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
As shirtless as possible
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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