There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
