Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My life is pants optional.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
