There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
