She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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