Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
