who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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