just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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