How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
