I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize