Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
why is half of my head shaved?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
