So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
how drunk are you?
Several
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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