hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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