the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize