I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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