i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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