all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
