dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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