I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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