your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
