If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
In America we eat man semen.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
