mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
