I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
