So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
