Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
